CHECK OUT THE TDM UNTAPPD PAGE TO SEE WHICH BEERS ARE AVAILABLE NOW.

(B) SIDE DESCRIPTIONS (Not Appropriate for All Audiences — DAMN!)

MEET THE DAMN AUTHOR! Sprung from the scrub palms of the Florida swamps, Corey Stewart has spent her entire adult life running from the law — a trek that has taken her to six foreign countries, thirteen American cities, and an Episcopal seminary. The two consistent elements of her peripatetic existence? Her love for words and her love for beer. So when Mary asked her to write some beer descriptions, her only question was, “Do I get unlimited samples?” After convincing Mary that writing is thirsty work and inspiration would require several hours bellied up to the bar for each beer, a deal was struck. When she’s not sneaking behind the beertenders to pull her own drafts, Stewart can be found writing speeches and short stories, or pecking away at the next Great American Novel.

YEAR-ROUND

Arm Candy Light Lager: 4.2% ABV

If this beer could wear a dress, it would be the perfect date for your high school reunion, because with Arm Candy like this, no one’s going to gossip about your second divorce, or that recent unpleasantness with the SEC — they’re only going to agree that You Still Got It, Baby! Even better, this beer’s so light, it doesn’t even know what the SEC is, and thinks a hedge fund is the money you save to pay for new shrubs. Guaranteed to lift your mood and make you look good, this light lager is a good time without the commitment…just like you, ya slut.

Dragonfly Groove Northern English Brown Ale: 6% ABV

Are you groovy? You think so, in your vintage fringed vest and bell bottom jeans so tight you needed your friend Randi and a pair of pliers to put on. But let me tell you what’s really groovy: a brown ale that’s so smooth and so easy going down that it will never harsh your mellow or turn that smile upside down. So put on your favorite 8 Track, daddy, and get the lava lamp going, fluff your home perm or flat iron that mop, run a comb through your porn ‘stache and make the disco stop, cause this Dragonfly Groove is gonna float you back in time to when you were the grooviest guy or gal in town. Let’s groove, baby. Dragonfly Groove.

Easy Money Amber Ale: 5.5% ABV

This beer is an Amber Ale, and, like your ex-girlfriend Amber, it’s easy, and goes down without hesitation. The official name of this beer is Easy Money, which is what Amber got when she sold your stereo and kickass Ted Nugent album collection on Craigslist, but its original name was Lying Bitch Whore. The lawyers KO’d that name, but whatever. We all know Amber.

Funked Cluster American-Style IPA: 6.8% ABV

Are you an Accidental Metrosexual? Did you absent-mindedly pick up a gateway drug like moisturizer from your girlfriend’s bag, use it once, and find yourself, months later, getting a Bee Pollen and Bat Guano Facial at the local Day Spa? Do the meatheads at the free weight rack automatically hand you the two pound wrist wraps when you roll up in the gym? We’ve got the solution: Regain your Manhood with this American Style IPA, which is so loaded with hops, it’s guaranteed to put the hair back on your peaches. So drink up, Wendy, and ride this train from bitch back to beast!

Glooty Call Wheat Beer: 5.5% ABV

“U Up?” Yeh, we’re shocked, too, that you get left on read so often, given how smooth your after-midnight texting game is. But unlike the last twelve recipients of your advances, this beer’s a sure thing. And more to the point, it’s not gonna send you running to the pharmacy. Swap the Booty for Glooty, Romeo, and save the poker for game night.

Oh Mama! Milk Stout: 8.2% ABV

This Milk Stout’s so freakin’ good, you’re gonna wish it came out of titties. Then you could have it on demand, all day and night, every time your little babyself cried! And wouldn’t that be grand? You bet it would, you sick fuck.

Proud Mary New England-Style IPA: 8.4% ABV

This Proud Mary never cleaned any plates in Memphis or pumped any ‘tane down in New Orleans, but she definitely likes to do everything nice…and rough. And she knows that’s the way you like it, too. You can take that up with your therapist next week, but in the meantime, sit back, relax, and let this New England IPA’s full-bodied juiciness make you her bitch. We promise you’ll soon be rollin’ down a river of bliss, proudly flyin’ a freak flag from the jack staff of your paddlewheel.

*Gose/Sour Kettle Ale - At TDM, we will always have a sour ale on tap. Please click on the Untappd link above to see our current selection, but see the Seasonal section for each description!

SEASONAL

Axle Addict Pilsner: 4.7% ABV

Mary’s cousin Randy has a Camaro, “Greased Lightning”, that he thinks is as smooth as this beer…but Randy’s also got a long rap sheet, some really jinky homemade tattoos, and a pervasive odor of corn chips, so whatever gets his sorry ass through the night, ya know? We all know there’s nothing cool about Randy, and his Camaro’s been on blocks since 1989, but this beer? This beer’s righteous AF. Smooth, sexy, and sure to keep your engine purring like a kitten.

Flight of the Earls Belgian Dubbel: 8.2% ABV

You’re an Irish earl, eating a lunchtime potato in your stone castle when a traveler comes in and says, “You wanna know what the Belgians are doing to potatoes these days?” Then he hits you with something so whacky that you pack your shit and hit the road immediately, intent on experiencing this freak-fest for yourself! So what were the Belgians into? Mayonnaise, my man. Still are. Maybe you’re into mayo on your fries too (or who knows where else?) — we don’t actually want to know. We do, however, want to celebrate your right to freak as you see fit. So raise a glass, you condiment-covered mutant. We celebrate you!

Funk Me Pumps Pumpkin Ale: 7% ABV

Nobody actually likes pumpkin pie, for fuck’s sake. It looks like cat pâté and the only palatable part is the whipped cream, which, let’s face it, we prefer to eat straight out of the can while standing in the refrigerator door. So let’s call bullshit on pumpkin pie, and get down to business. Funk Me Pumps takes Aunt Linda’s Thanksgiving classic and adds what’s been missing all along: Beer. It’s Beer Pie for winners, sinners, and holiday dinners. So squeeze those hammertoes into some Funk Me Pumps and start celebrating like you’re meant to, with beer pie. Hell, you might just get invited to sit at the grownups table this year.

Gose Trippin’ Kettle Sour Ale: 4.5% ABV

Clean, fruity, and a little bit sour, this Ale is just like your bachelor Uncle Bruce, who Grandma thinks is “just too picky to find a nice girl.” Granny may be in denial, but we know the truth: Bruce is a whole lot of fruity and more than a little sour, but on Friday nights at the Tool Box on 3rd Avenue? He’s anything but clean!

Lemon Ginger Funky Kettle Sour Ale: 4.8% ABV

Here at That Damn Mary, we love to funk. Anywhere, anytime, with almost anyone. But some days, we just want to lie back and relax, not work so damn hard. And that’s why we love this beer. Lemon Ginger Funky has full-on flavor with an easy-going 4.8% ABV. It’s a whole lot of funk with zero regrets, a summer fling for your taste buds that you’ll be happy to see come around again…unlike that bastard, Chad.

Liquid Toast Vienna Lager: 5.5% ABV

Uncle Skeeter went to Austria and spent the whole time asking, “Where are the dagblasted kangaroos?” That’s not why Interpol is after him; it’s just proof that Skeeter couldn’t find his own ass with a map and partly explains why he has to sit at the kids’ table at Christmas. Since the incident with the firecracker and hamster at Big Pappy’s funeral, Skeeter’s not allowed to drink anymore, but that shouldn’t stop you from enjoying this crisp, clear Liquid Toast Vienna Lager. The ABV’s the same as Skeeter’s IQ (5.5), but unlike Skeeter, this beer is clean, dry, full of good taste, and welcome at every table. And remember, if Skeeter asks, the kangaroos were all hibernating…

Mas Fina Cerveza: 4.5% ABV

We don’t care if you like to be smacked around like a pinata. That’s your business, Captain. Our business is this smooth, delicious Cerveza, and at 4.5%, you’re instantly transported to white sand beaches. Put on your thong and vaya con Cerveza!

Pils For What Ales Bohemian Pilsner: 4.6% ABV

Aunt Linda thinks that refusing to shave makes her counterculture. “I’m a Bohemian!” she shouts from her swirl of scarves. “A real free spirit!” Bitch, you’re from Pittsburgh. Put the patchouli away and shag your Sasquatch ass to the fridge and get me a real Bohemian: a Pilsner to sooth my frazzled nerves and make me forget we’re related.

Plum Luck Kettle Sour Ale: 6% ABV

Remember that night in Tijuana when the tacos turned on you and left your ass looking like a Japanese flag? Yeh, that’s not the kind of pucker we’re talking about with this beer. This 6% ABV brew with an IBU of 12 is simultaneously sweet and tart — kind of like Mrs. Poole, the algebra teacher who made you feel weird in a special way. Grab yourself a Plum Luck and clap some erasers for old times’ sake, ya daft bastard. Mrs. Poole was never into you.

Smack It Like It’s Hot Basil Habanero Pale Ale: 6.5% ABV

We see you, ya freak, in your leather mask and kitty cat ears. That’s not the kind of smacking we’re talking about, but you do you, Big Daddy. And while you’re recovering, you can enjoy a beer that’s as spicy as you, Ms. C-Suite, with your tailored suit and briefcase full of … special things. We’re not asking!

Squeeze The Day Blood Orange New England-Style IPA: 7% ABV

Remember that old dude from the TP commercial who was obsessed with squeezing the product? You make him look tame. Save yourself another trip to HR and squeeze a glass of this instead! The juicy blood oranges will help you stave off scurvy, too, which will be one less Rx you need to fill this week. You’re welcome, ya ol’ salt.

Trucker Hat Kolsch: 4.6% ABV

Breaker, breaker Big Daddy. Got your ears on? This beer was made for you. Crisp, clean, and slightly fruity, just like your fishing buddies. Trucker Hat’s got a 4.6% ABV to help you stay shiny side up in your lawn chair, even when you’re lying about the size of your bass. It’s a Kolsch-style brew, which means nothing to you, but trust us: unlike that god-awful thing you’ve been wearing since 1985, this Trucker Hat is welcome at any gathering.

Wicked Valentine Vanilla Habanero Milk Stout: 8.2% ABV

Buckle in, buster, ‘cause this Wicked Valentine is a wild ride! You want to take her home to mama, she wants to take you to Tijuana. You like it when she wears a dress, she slips on leather cuffs and tells you to wear the dress. You want to give her a diamond, she wants to give you a homemade tattoo. Sassy and spicy, dangerous and delicious, this sexy little Milk Stout is gonna make you question your values, hide your valuables, have a safety word, and come running back for more. Give in, and don’t worry, baby…there will be others when she’s gone.

SPECIALTY

Atomik Blond Imperial Blonde Ale: 8.2% ABV

This Atomik Blond, unlike the one you met in the summer of ‘88,won’t leave you with regrets...or a prescription. And unlike that blonde, this one is real, all the way to her 8.2% roots. Go for it, tiger!

Berry Mary Heroes Raspberry Cream Dessert IPA: 11% ABV

The answer: “Spring Break 1986, Mardi Gras, mammogram.” The question: “Name three places you took your tits out.” Forget Daytona and put away your plastic beads, sister — this beer is all about keeping those fun bags healthy and saying thanks to everyday heroes! Raspberries, whipped cream, and a smooth IPA goodness come together to honor the badasses who stand in the gap and say “Not on my watch, mothertrucker.” Schedule your mammogram, do your exams, and keep those tatas healthy so you can share them with your personal hero...or a crowd of strangers. Your call.

Bliss Soft White IPA: 6.5% ABV

“What if it’s too bitter? What if I can’t handle full-on hoppitude?” We got you, Boo. Welcome to your Gateway IPA: Bliss. A smooth, silky, goes-down-so-easy-you-almost-get-suspicious white beer that you can bring home to Mom. With 6.5% ABV and just the right amount of Cascade hops to ease you in ohhhhh soooo slowly, this beer was made to help you find your Bliss.

Midnight Madness Imperial Stout: 12% ABV

For all you human trash pandas, booty callin’ and selling pics of your feet while the rest of us sleep, this beer’s for you: a hard-hitting, high-alcohol Imperial Stout that celebrates gutter rats and night guards, swing shift and phone sex operators, roadies and clean-up crews. Crawl out of the dumpster and into the light, ya’ raggedy-ass possum: we salute you and your Midnight Madness.